Knowledge At Last

I had a restless night, dreaming of being stuck in traffic and getting sideswiped by a hit-&-run driver.

Morning came, and it was a gorgeous day. I showered, dressed, and left for the appointment. Unfortunately, the conditions were ripe for a mass release of pollen into the air today, and I sneezed and sniffled the entire way there.

At the clinic, there was more paperwork, but the receptionist was nice, and the nurse from yesterday seemed a bit less under stress. We watched the morning shows on TV as we waited. It seems that they cook a lot in the morning.

There was a sullen-looking couple there, along with a number of women by themselves or with friends, and one or two men. A family with three rambunctious children filed in as we waited, the father seeming young enough to be one of my students, if I had become a teacher right out of college.

Names were called, people filed in and out.

Finally, it was my turn. I walked in and got weighed. Only 1 pound heavier than I expected. Emptied my bladder in the bathroom as instructed, and went into the exam room where a brief history was taken. Boyfriend was instructed to wait outside, which made me apprehensive because I had expected him to be allowed in there with me the entire time. I suppose it's a good policy, though, since they need to get an accurate medical history without the man in the patient's life listening in.

The nurse left, I got undressed, and in came the doctor, a ray of sunshine in a rather dreary time. She was warm, friendly, and personable. At last, he was allowed inside. Would I like to see the screen? She asked. I said no. Turns out, it wouldn't have made a difference. I was too early in my pregnancy to see anything.

I hadn't expected this. I thought that once you were pregnant, even three or four weeks into it, there would have been something visible. Maybe I should have told the doctor that I have a long cycle.

We would have to return in a week's time. Somehow, it is comforting to know that things wouldn't be happening as quickly as we had both envisioned, from reading all the literature available. And I hadn't expected that we would need to see the embryo on the ultrasound before anything could take place. It makes sense, though, to ascertain the location of the pregnancy before terminating it, in case it's not even in the uterus -- in which case, you have to reconsider your option of methods for termination.

Somehow, I feel calmer now. The news has sunk in, and we have accepted that this is what we need to do.

I couldn't imagine having done this without my life companion by my side. And right now, I feel that I must be among the luckiest people in the world, to be going through all of this with the support and understanding of someone so close to me in every way.

We are still saddened by the circumstances, but we believe in responsible, planned parenting. It's not just about buying diapers and baby food, it's about beginning a lifelong commitment to the raising, nurturing, and education of a human being who will be vulnerable and wholly dependent upon us emotionally and pragmatically for years and years. We want to do it right, and now is not the time.