Surreality

I went to class and couldn't concentrate. Suddenly, nothing seems to matter anymore. It didn't help that the topics we were covering that day were the mind-health connection, and a brief history of genetic studies.

I wonder whether I can confide in one of my professors that I'm going through some rough spots. The thing is, I'd rather not tell, even hint -- and these past two years have been so tumultuous that they might think I'm just feeling sorry for myself and whining.

I think it's the waiting that's the worst. Waiting for the walk-in hours tomorrow, waiting for the appointment, waiting for probably another appointment for the actual procedure itself.

In the meantime, everything else in my life has been suspended, at least from my point of view. Classmates and professors go about their business, discussing our assignments and group work. Traffic goes by. The clouds crawl across the sky.

Sometimes I entertain the possibility of keeping it. The entire process should be joyful, not so full of sadness and heaviness like it has been. Would that change, had my decision been different? I don't know. Perhaps I still have time to decide otherwise. But I suspect that if I decided to continue the pregnancy, I would be even more distracted and scared. In termination, the end result is certain. In continuation, there is no end result. It just keeps going, the changes, the surprises, the fear and uncertainty.

I suppose I just answered my question.